The many historical inaccuracies of the movie Braveheart*

This post comes to you courtesy of Milly, who arrived back in Australia this morning, 21st July.

Milly here. After ditching the fam in Brighton (or being ditched? Open to interpretation [editor’s note: we didn’t ditch her, we left her safely tied up in a sack in the boot of the car – beats me how she ever got out]), I spent the better part of a week in Edinburgh. I had a weekend in the city during my short foray as a Manchurian in 2020 and have always wanted to go back.

Here’s a brief overview of the week:

Tuesday

Started the day with an early morning hike up to Arthur’s Seat for scenic views over the city. The hike took an hour and was more strenuous than I anticipated, but it was a cool foggy morning so not unpleasant conditions. Oh, hang on, it’s actually really foggy. Too foggy. It might clear up by the time I get to the top. Nope. See below for the “spectacular view” I was promised. Anyway, back onto the Royal Mile for a full Scottish brekky.

The rest of the day was spent wandering around the Royal Mile and its surrounds: taking in Holyrood Palace, Greyfriar’s Kirkyard, Victoria Street, Edinburgh Castle, Princes Gardens, and more. My hostel is right outside St Giles Cathedral and Mercat Cross bang in the centre of the Royal Mile so extraordinarily convenient. It’s also a repurposed courthouse and jail (and before that was the city’s oldest bank) so it has a somewhat creepy vibe that’s perfect for the city. 

In the evening I joined a few other guests in one of the underground vaults of the hostel for a gin tasting session. It was basically a history of gin in the city (the older versions of the spirit don’t go down so easy).

It was then round the corner to an underground comedy club for a cheap “work in progress” show. There are a lot of these on at this time of year as comedians prepare their material for the Edinburgh Fringe next month.

Wednesday

More wandering. This morning I started with a walk up Calton Hill for another attempt at a scenic view. It was clear and sunny this morning so thankfully not a wasted journey. 

Then back to the hostel for a “History of Coffee” walking tour – 2 free coffees included. I’ll spare anyone thinking about trying this: the history of coffee in Edinburgh is not nearly as interesting as gin and the coffee is rubbish. Could have been worse though: apparently back in the day merchants would cut their coffee with anything to make supplies last longer, including beans, peas, and even sand. A sub-standard cappuccino seems ok in comparison.

This afternoon I visited Candlemaker Row for a satchel making workshop. You choose your bag base colour, patterned Harris Tweed flap, and all the fixings, then assemble your own one-of-a-kind satchel. I had a bit of a panic at all the colour options, but I’m pretty happy with how my little guy turned out.

Finally in the evening it was back to Mercat Cross for a haunted tour of Old Town and the underground vaults. I have to give credit to our guide: his storytelling was immaculate. As someone who doesn’t remotely believe in ghosts, even I was getting a little freaked out at the possible spirits lurking in the vaults below the city (apparently there are regular “sightings” of the same batch of characters down there). Edinburgh is one of those towns where history is more interesting and more creepy than any fiction, though I expect they may embellish the stories.

Thursday

This morning it was up early for a coach tour around the Scottish Highlands. There were loads of picture stops and so many interesting stories, so here are some of the highlights:

• Dune Castle, the setting for Outlander, Game of Thrones, and Monty Python and the Holy Grail
• The Three Sisters mountains: Faith, Hope and Charity (plus a very hardy bagpiper playing Scotland the Brave on the side of the road in the pouring rain).

• Glencoe, known for the 1692 massacre of the MacDonald clan
• Fish and Chippy lunch in Fort William at the base of Ben Nevis
• Glenfinnan Viaduct: well-known as the picturesque viaduct travelled by the Hogwarts Express. We arrived 20 minutes before said steam train was due to make its journey across, so we all scrambled up to the viewpoint for a look. On the other side of the viewpoint was a great view of the “Black Lake” (seen when Harry is riding Buckbeak in Prisoner of Askaban and when Voldemort is nicking the Elder Wand from Dumbledore’s grave in Dealthy Hallows part 1)

Neptune’s Staircase: a series of eight locks on the Caledonian Canal (photos included mainly for dad’s sake). It’s the longest in Britain and takes 2 hours for a boat to descend/ascend the entire staircase.

Whisky ice cream in Pitlochry (no, not whisky-flavoured ice cream. Ice cream made with real whisky from the distillery next door. Highly recommend – but don’t lick and drive).

Plenty more sights and stories that I’ve already forgotten the finer details of, so I won’t recount them. 
Again, I can’t speak more highly of our driver/guide. She had fascinating stories for every part of the journey (see title: the many historical inaccuracies of the movie Braveheart), and a carefully curated playlist of Scottish artists for when we were sick of the sound of her voice.

That’s the bulk of my Scotland adventure covered. I’ll never get sick of the country, and hopefully one day I’ll come back with enough time to explore the Highlands at length. For now though, it’s a couple of trains, two flights, a bus and a tram back home to Melbourne.

Slàinte Mhath! (Scottish Gaelic for Cheers!)

*In case anyone actually wants to know about the many historical inaccuracies of the movie Braveheart:

• William Wallace was never nicknamed “Braveheart” at all.
• Andrew de Moray, a military leader equally as important as Wallace, is missing from the film. He was fatally wounded during the famous Battle of Stirling Bridge, also missing from the film. 
• Wallace’s wife was named Marion, not Murron.
• The length of his sword suggests Wallace would have to have been at least 6’5” in order to swing it. Not Mel Gibson’s less impressive 5’6”.
• Blue face paint was only ever attributed to the Scottish tribes that fought the Romans – about 1000 years before Wallace’s time. 
• Kilts weren’t invented for another few hundred years.